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There are various things you’ll already know about having a baby. Then there are the things you’ll pick up at your NCT classes or via google. And finally, your friends and parents will undoubtably throw advice and experience into the general direction of the soon-to-be-mother.

But what about us Dads? Well, here a few things no one told or taught me:

1. How to control an out-of-nappy wee. It’s like a firehose, guys! With immense range!

2. Your elbow and wrist are expected to be perfect gauges of acceptable bath or milk temperatures…

3. You’re going to be pushed out of your own bed to accommodate him

4. Your mum will demand photos EVERY DAY with the same question: “did he sleep last night?”

5. How many seats and vehicles he needs! He’s got more transport, beds and chairs than I’ve had in the last decade…

6. Sleep deprivation is like Chinese water torture

7. Literally everyone will ask you the same question: “how’s he doing?”

8. You’ll fall asleep on the train to work. Set an alarm

9. When does bouncing move into shaking? You need, and will use every day, a bouncing gym ball to try and calm him down

10. Your house will become a 24 hour hothouse, or sauna. Description dependent on what you were like, and did, at uni

11. How to react to an out of nappy poo. Advice: run away

12. Tiny babies give you nothing back. All they do is suck, cry and sleep

13. “We have eyes! They are…!!” will be a rare phrase in the first weeks.

14. 3am TV sucks. But you will learn sign language

15. Your baby will fart louder than you can

16. It’s relentless. Back from work? Hold and soothe the baby to give Mum some rest. He’s wide awake at 4.30am? That’s daddy time until it’s time for work.

17. Netflix is your lifeblood, until your are on your own. Couples Netflix politics is debilitating. You CANNOT watch the next episode of Narcos without me!!

18. You’ll spend a fortune in mothercare, every time you go

19. Forget any ideas about keeping fitness levels up. You’ll eat crap and you won’t be doing your Saturday morning Park Run for a while. Sunday League football time is now parenting time. Deal with it.

20. Other people with kids are suddenly super interesting. Even if they were bore snore before…

21. Your baby feeding will sound like a crack addict…

22. You’ll try swaddling yourself…and find it is amazing (…just me??)

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