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mother

1. a woman in relation to her child or children.

“she returned to Bristol to nurse her ageing mother”

2.(especially as a title or form of address) the head of a female religious community.


There isn’t a mum in our family dynamic. And mother’s day is coming up. Last year I didn’t really think twice about it. We celebrated our mums (the wonderful nannies in my son’s life) and his aunties. And we’ll do the same this year. But is it just about giving some flowers and a card? Maybe a meal out? Some family time? I was asked recently “Does mother’s day upset or offend you?”. I mean, of course it doesn’t! I have a mum, why would I be upset about a day to celebrate her?

What about my son? What does ‘mum’ mean to him? I don’t think he is really aware yet of what having two dads means (if it means anything!). I don’t think most kids care about what having a mum and a dad, or two mums or one mum or one dad, really means. He just knows he has these two crazy men who are his fathers and they love him. Kids are so innocent. My best friend, who is a single parent, was speaking to her toddler about my son when they were getting ready for his birthday party and she turned around and said “Oh yeh, he has two dads doesn’t he?”. And then casually moved onto the next thing.

You know what though… even though we’re not technically mothers we’re not opposed to gifts on Mother’s Day when you’re a little older, son (hint hint Dadda, i need some new L’Occitane aftershave!).

There will undoubtedly come a time when he asks about it. And that’s cool, we’re prepared. Although saying that a friend of mine who adopted a little girl told me she was always ready and had the answers delicately planned in her head since day one. And then her daughter went and asked the question while they were rushing around the supermarket and her answers just went completely to pot. So we’re also expected for the unexpected. There’s a few things to consider when he starts becoming more aware of families and their differing shapes and sizes. Do we honour birth mother? She brought him into this world for us. No matter the circumstance we’ll always be grateful for that. How do we explain the whole situation? It’s a tricky one. But luckily as adopters, we received some awesome training around family history and what it means to maintain a good understanding of heritage and where you have come from.

So what does ‘mum’ look like to him? I hope he sees the females he loves (and he has been blessed to have so many in his life!) as strong, playful, loving women who support and nurture him just as much as we do. I’ve said it before, but we’re all raising him. We’re all in this together. Not having a mum has no detriment to him or his upbringing. He is SURROUNDED by females. Even all our friends are having baby girls. Until my friend Natalie had a little boy last year, finally a little boy mate!

We are just dads. Doing the best we can. I might do the washing and cleaning, my husband might do all the cooking … but we’re still just dads. There are no stereotyped roles in this house! We’re the three amigos… and I like it that way.

Last year (2016) 10% of all adoptions in England were by LGBT families. This is pretty huge! That means those families, that aren’t defined by what’s seen as ‘normal’, are growing. And that’s got to be a good thing!

As mother’s day approaches i say we celebrate our mums/aunties/nannys/sisters and even dads if that’s the parent you have. Families come in the most random shapes and sizes. Love them whatever day it is!

What will you and your family be doing this mother’s day?

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Hi I'm Tom. I'm a dad. An adoptive dad. A gay dad. Not your 'normal' dad perhaps? My husband and I are two years into life life with our 3.5 yr old. The days of city breaks and long weekends eating out are long gone, but replaced with the great outdoors and running around after our little boy and splashing in muddy puddles. I wouldn't change it for the world. You can follow my blog at www.theunlikelydad.com or find me on Facebook @unlikelydad

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