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After months of writing about the perks of pregnancy and all the things I’m looking forward to about being a dad, my pregnant wife suggested I take a different approach this time, by writing instead about all the less appealing things that come with growing a baby; AKA all the gross stuff that ‘what to expect’ books conveniently miss out.

So to spare your (and her) blushes and avoid going into (too many) graphic details, let me fill you in, through the medium of poetry. And before you ask, this post has been signed off by the wife, albeit reluctantly…

Oh, and if my parents or in-laws are reading this (or, indeed, anyone with a weak ticker), click away now…this poem isn’t for you!

The gross side of pregnancy

A poem for first time dads, by YOU THE DADDY

***

To be pregnant

can seem such a beautiful thing,

full of happiness, ‘glowing’

and tummy rubbing.

“Woohoo, no more periods

for 9 months or more!”

“No diets!”, “free foot rubs!”

and “ice cream galore!”

.

But what all the Apps

have negated to share,

is all the most gross stuff

you’ll soon have to bear.

See, so much you read

seems through rose tinted glasses,

but I’ll share the truth;

so hold onto your arses…

.

From wetting herself

(and the living room floor)

to bashing her bump

on the frame of the door,

that ‘glow’ isn’t quite

as it first may appear;

“Oh no, it’s just sweat,

after vomming, my dear.”

.

They warn how she might grow

new hairs on her belly

but not how her farts

will become extra smelly.

Or how she’ll go days

without passing a poo,

while her weak bladder makes her

a slave to the loo.

.

They tell you her feet

and her ankles might swell

but forget to inform

that her vadge might as well!

On the plus side you’ll notice

her boobs will inflate,

but who knew at month six

they’d start to lactate?!

.

Or how random moles,

they might triple in size,

while severe lack of sleep

will leave bags ‘neath her eyes,

as now every bed time

turns into a race,

before your ‘sweet snoring’

makes her punch your ‘sweet face’.

.

They advise, “Take a bath,

to relax and unwind!”

But tubs aren’t that simple

I think you might find,

as while getting in,

may seem like a cinch,

to get her out safely?

You’d best find a winch.

.

They said she’ll feel sexy,

though she feels like a barge,

who wears two pads daily

for that extra discharge.

Who replaces sweet nothings

with long drawn out rants

and swaps her French knickers

for big granny pants.

.

But in spite of these changes,

while most unappealing,

they’ll soon fade completely

to a new special feeling.

As when all’s said and done,

come push, pain and whine,

you’ll soon meet a baby

that you both can call “mine”.

***

So have I missed anything out? Did you or your other half experience anything particularly gross and unexpected, that you don’t mind sharing publicly (in the interests of parental education)? As always, don’t be shy…come share your stories with the Group via the comments section below!

And for more daily updates, you can also stay in touch with YOU THE DADDY via Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook.

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Giles (AKA YOU THE DADDY)

Giles is the author of London dad blog YOU THE DADDY, giving a guy’s perspective on pregnancy, babies and parenthood.

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