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More and more as a parent I find myself cringing at the words that come out of my mouth. These things come into a number of categories from the ludicrous to the uncharacteristically bitter.

I am increasingly proud of the ease at which I slip into ‘dad jokes’ (and increasingly worried by how comfortable that makes me).

“Can you put my shoes on?” “I would love to but I don’t think they’ll fit”.

It feels like a daily ritual, but it’s only the start, and this obvious punning has now crept into all aspects of my life.

At the other end of the spectrum I beat myself up for becoming a ‘I told you so’ parent. But in the war on toddlers even a hollow victory counts for something right? But scoring cheap points with with witty retorts like:

“Well maybe if you’d eaten your lunch like daddy asked, you wouldn’t be sooooo starving'”

It feels like bad dadding but I can’t help it.

The big one doesn’t learn anything? What does he care that I had a solution an hour ago – he’s hangry now! Even as these things are coming out of my mouth I know they won’t help, they are just a petty way to justify my earlier frustration/anger/begging/sobbing to a five-year-old who knows I’m right, but doesn’t care.

I guess there is a small hope that he will learn from my told-you-sos and tomorrow he will eat his lunch, but there must be a better time for this sage-like fatherly wisdom to be passed down.

The last category is my favourite! The ‘sentences you never thought you’d say’ category – we’ve had some crackers recently. Here’s a selection, I’d love to hear yours:

“Stop trying to whack your brother in the willy with a fidget spinner!”

“No! That’s a poo raisin!”

“Just let him vomit, he’ll soon learn”

“You can’t use snot as vapour rub”

“Don’t lick mummy’s pants”

“Your brother’s face is not a bean bag”


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Originally from the UK, I moved to Wellington with my wife B and my two boys (five and one) in 2016. I like sweet potato, Lego, paw patrol, ninjas, standing on chairs and running around with a blanket on my head...wait that's my boys...what do I like again?

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