Below is an unedited outpouring of my thoughts, and emotions, sure it jumps around a little and I may take an odd tangent or two but its real.
Having spent an afternoon on the delivery suite at St. Georges thinking that our little man was coming to join us, I was confronted earlier than I had anticipated with a whole host of emotions.
The main thing that has been weighing on my mind follows the same theme that I had posted about earlier on Instagram, how am I going to love this little boy as much as I love Etta and Alice? Surely there isn’t room enough for another person in my heart no matter how tiny they are.
I know that the unconditional love you have for a child is something that you are not prepared for, no matter how much people try to describe it. Going into the birth of Etta I was totally besotted and madly in love with my amazing wife, despite always moaning at her about putting dishes in the dishwasher and was worried about how I would love my little girl. I knew that it was going to be easy as she was my little girl and dads and daughter have a thing but I really struggled to bond with her as I talked about earlier in the week.
But but but we have been this amazing family, living a really cool amazing little life where we hang out all the time for the past 28 months at the time of writing and 30months when he arrives. If you know me or follow me I refer to my family as my girls, thats including you too Cat the Dog and somehow this little man feels like he is going to rock the boat of our happy little family. Just as things have started to get on a plateau, normal, chilled, relaxed, you name it we are it… a million miles away from unsettled and worried about anything./
And then comes along this little boy who is going to demand a space in my heart, maybe demand is a little too strong but I cant see how there is going to be room in there for him. It feels like loving him will take away from the love that I have for my girls already and I am just not sure how I feel about it, am I ready to let someone else in there? One feeling I do know is guilt, it’s hard to know that I am going to love him so much but not feel ready for it. The amazing @john__charter pointed out that the love you have for baby number one is only a portion of the love that you can give and that just blows my mind, literally blows me away that I wont have to split my heart into four now, maybe the heart of a parent is capable in growing in ways that we cant see?